The Difference Between Honest Conversations and Confrontational Ones

There’s a Yoruba proverb I grew up hearing that has quietly shaped my thinking for years:

“When two brothers enter a room to have a conversation and exit smiling, they have just lied to each other. But if they come out with straight, long faces – then they have told each other the truth.”

The proverb is well-intentioned. It underscores the importance of candour and encourages people not to shy away from hard conversations. For years, I interpreted it as a call to face bitter truths head-on, no matter how uncomfortable.

But somewhere along the way, I extended it too far.

I began to believe that difficult conversations required confrontation. That telling the truth meant caring less about how it was received. That if both parties didn’t leave feeling bruised, then perhaps we hadn’t been honest enough.

The Problem With This Thinking

Here’s the issue: I’m not naturally confrontational.

My personality doesn’t make it easy for me to deliver harsh truths without considering the other person’s feelings. So, for years, I’ve wrestled with this internal tension. I’d have difficult conversations using gentler methods, carefully choosing my words, addressing the issue without attacking the person, and still achieve the objective. But a nagging voice would whisper, “Did you really say what needed to be said? Were you too soft? Did you avoid the real confrontation?”

And when others expected me to “go hard,” to be forceful, to hit the nail on the head with raw emotion so the person would truly feel the depth of the hurt they’d caused, I’d sometimes be viewed as weak. As if kindness and honesty couldn’t coexist.

But recently, especially in my relationship with my wife, I’ve realised something profound:

The proverb is actually unhealthy, or at least, the general interpretation of it (including mine) has led to unhealthy outcomes.

What Really Matters in Difficult Conversations

The goal of an honest conversation isn’t to leave with long faces. It isn’t to ensure both parties feel sufficiently uncomfortable. The goal is to address the matter, not attack the person.

When the focus shifts from resolving the issue to expressing emotions; when we prioritise how upset we are over achieving understanding, we’ve misplaced the objective.

It is entirely possible for two people to enter a room, have a brutally honest conversation about a difficult issue, and leave smiling. Not because they lied to each other, but because they successfully navigated the problem together. They discussed the matter, not the person. They prioritised the result, not their emotions.

My Own Turning Point

My wife and I recently had a disagreement. We spent about an hour working through it, not shouting, not attacking, but genuinely unpacking the issue. She explained how a video she’d watched the day before had influenced her thinking and behaviour towards me without her realising it. I shared my perspective. We both apologised where needed.

And when we finished? We weren’t carrying “long faces.” We were lighter. Closer. Stronger.

That conversation didn’t lack honesty because it lacked harshness. In fact, it was one of the most honest exchanges we’ve had, precisely because we focused on understanding the issue rather than winning an argument or proving who was more hurt.

The Leadership Application

This principle extends far beyond marriage. It’s relevant in leadership, mentorship, parenting, and professional settings.

When you need to address poor performance with a team member, the goal isn’t to make them feel terrible about themselves. It’s to identify what’s not working and create a path forward together.

When you’re counselling a friend who’s made a mistake, the objective isn’t to ensure they leave your conversation sufficiently ashamed. It’s to help them see clearly, take responsibility, and grow.

Confrontation prioritises emotion. Candour prioritises truth and resolution.

How to Have Honest Conversations Without the “Long Faces”

Here are a few principles I’m learning to apply:

1. Separate the person from the problem.
   “This behaviour is causing issues” is very different from “You are the problem.” One addresses the matter; the other attacks the person.
2. Lead with curiosity, not accusation.
   “Help me understand what happened” opens dialogue. “You always do this” shuts it down.
3. Focus on the desired outcome.
   Before entering a difficult conversation, ask yourself: What do I actually want to achieve here? If the answer is “I want them to feel how much they hurt me,” you’re already off course. If it’s “I want us to resolve this and move forward stronger,” you’re on the right track.
4. Make space for both voices.
   Honest conversations aren’t monologues. If only one person is talking (or shouting), it’s not a conversation, it’s a lecture. Real resolution requires both parties to be heard.
5. End with clarity and commitment.
   Don’t leave things ambiguous. Summarise what was discussed, what was agreed upon, and what the next steps are. Both people should leave knowing exactly where they stand.

Rethinking What “Real Talk” Requires

We need to be careful with cultural proverbs and inherited beliefs that shape our subconscious. Just because something has been repeated for generations doesn’t mean it’s universally applicable, or even healthy.

The proverb about “long faces” may have served a purpose in its time, perhaps in a context where people avoided conflict altogether and needed permission to engage difficult topics. But in our time, we need a different framework.

Honest conversations don’t require anger to be effective. They require clarity, courage, and a commitment to the relationship over the emotion.

So, the next time you need to have a hard conversation, with a spouse, a colleague, a friend, a child, remember: you can be honest without being harsh. You can address the issue without attacking the person. You can speak truth and still leave the room smiling.

Because the goal was never to create “long faces.” The goal was always to create understanding, growth, and resolution.

And that’s worth smiling about😊😁.

What’s your experience with difficult conversations? Have you ever felt the pressure to be harsher than necessary to prove you were being “real”? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.