Your Child is Spoilt!

My daughter, not yet two, has the most charming smile. She is such a delight to behold.
My daughter, not yet two, climbs everything in sight that’s above her head. Sometimes we worry she might fall or hurt herself, yet we don’t want to stiffen her creativity or discourage her from exploring her world. So we stay close or put things around to break her fall. She’s proven to us many times though, that we fret for nothing.
My daughter, not yet two, is sensitive to emotions. She says ‘sorry’ when we hurt, hugs us when we’re sad, says ‘well done’ when we’re busy, and cries when I give a disapproving scowl for something she’s done (My wife says my facial corrections hurt worse than cane).
My daughter, not yet two, takes her dirty clothes to the laundry, puts her plates in the sink, stuffs her washed clothes in the chest of drawers and sweeps the floor with her mini-broom.
My daughter, not yet two, kneels to say ‘e kaaro’ (Good morning in Yoruba) and sometimes kneels to say ‘E se ma/sa’ (thank you) to adults.
My daughter, not yet two, has a remarkable vocabulary, saying “Is painful” when she’s hurt; “Where are you?” even when we’re right in front of her.
My daughter, not yet two, is friendly and altruistic (almost to a fault). I read that toddlers may not play with their peers until they’re above 2. I’ve never seen her hold back from any child (peer, younger or older).
My daughter, not yet two, startles when she hears a sudden sound, but chases our 30kg dog around the compound for a hug.
My daughter, not yet two, got pecked by the house parrot once and learnt never to stick her finger through the cage. But that didn’t discouraged her from feeding the parrot snacks or banana. She only learnt not to let her finger get pecked.

Am I bragging about my daughter? Well, maybe, but I am headed somewhere.

Early Saturday morning, we attended a naming ceremony (only close friends & family members were present). We got there 30 minutes earlier to help with preparations. My daughter was as excited as the newborn’s elder sister, who incidentally just clocked two. They were both happy and played around as children would. But my wife and I were heavy on our daughter. We didn’t want her touching the baby or playing with anything meant for her.

The ceremony was short. I liked it. The pastor preached an interesting sermon and emphasized the importance of caning our children. I remember two stories he told.

One is of a teacher who was beaten up by a rich family for caning their child. The family had covered their tracks by ‘settling’ all the powers that be. The teacher felt unjustly treated. So he simply divided his class into two: one branch comprised of children from rich homes who refused to be caned, the other branch comprised of children who accepted to be caned. The pastor said, report has it that no child from the first branch amounted to anything significant in life. Wow! That’s serious!

The second story: he sat between two families at an event reception, then food was served. The children of both families dug in. Both mothers cautioned their boys. One simply gave a sharp glare and her son corrected himself. But the son of the other mother kept shrugging off his mom as he tore at meat and gobbled up the food. In that single occasion, it was clear which son had better home training.

It was quite an inspiring sermon. In my head, I did a quick assessment and felt we weren’t doing badly. We discipline our child and spank her when necessary.

Toward the end of the ceremony, I had to excuse myself to pick a phone call. The pastor was on his way out when my call ended. He greeted me warmly and said he’d left an important message with my wife. I was curious.

“Oh, the pastor left a message,” my wife said, when I got back in.
“He said, ‘Take care of your daughter. I observed some things. She’s getting spoilt.'” I couldn’t believe my ears.

Trust me, no parent is happy to hear that kind of report from someone – regardless how ‘unimportant’ the reporter is. I felt judged. I thought he might have jumped too soon to conclusion. He was, let’s face it, a stranger who knew nothing about our daughter’s history but surmised from one or two instances and based his judgment by his life experiences. Then I considered he was a pastor and might have been spirit-led. But I weighed the words, ‘observed’. This might also have been a statement inspired by sight than by faith. I played back all that our daughter did and how we responded and felt we might have overdone it when correcting her earlier, thus sending the wrong message. I made a mental note that when in public I shall never exert myself in correcting my child – people will think that’s how I struggle with her at home too.

The question then came: is it possible we were failing in disciplining our child without realising it? I tried to get those words ‘getting spoilt’ out of my head. But they kept popping up like unprogrammed screensavers.

In the first 60 minutes of getting back home, our daughter got beaten about 4 times. Her flaws became more glaring to us and we were not going to ‘spare the rod’. Even her smiles seemed like little plots to manipulate us. The innocent girl didn’t notice the change in our attitude toward her. She’d cry but still come hug us or play with her toys. She continued to be herself. We, on the other hand, wanted to prove to ‘an uninterested world’ that we were capable of raising a cultured, well-mannered child. The atmosphere in the house was intense. More so, it seemed like my wife and I could quarrel in any minute. Perhaps, we were each (in our heads) blaming the other or ourselves. For one, I blamed myself for allowing our daughter freedom to explore her world. Then I began to second-guess some of the good things I was doing with her and the risks I let her take. Perhaps they’d let her become so free that she did not know boundaries.

It’s amazing what the words of humankind can do. One stranger’s words, drained the joy in my home. Words are powerful and even the most spiritual human being can misuse them. But no word is as eternal as the Word of God. I recall that when our daughter was still in the womb, we already named her. Then based on Romans 8.28, we formed a mantra: “All we do for J is good for her.” I was reminded of this and of how she is first God’s daughter before ours. Then I realised how selfish we parents can be in trying to earn a reputation for our children’s good behaviour. Their actions are not meant to glorify us, but God. We must never take the focus off Him in our parenting journey.

I repented. I asked God to forgive me. Then the Holy Spirit started reminding me of the many wonderful things J does at her tender age. It seemed that I had forgotten these beautiful things in less than 2 hours of hearing one person’s questionable opinion. It dawned on me that we parents can easily forget these beautiful moments if we don’t pen them down. That’s why this article begins with the few that I can recall. I am sure my wife can mention a whole lot more. I shared these thoughts with my wife. We both had a change of heart. Our house was filled with laughter again. But I am glad to have gone through this experience – a major hurdle has been crossed in our marital journey and as parents. We can never fall for this trick again!

My conclusion, there’s no amount of discipline a parent can met out on a child that can help him or her turn out right in the future. Discipline fails, but discipleship wins. We must model the life we want to see in our children and that model must be the life of Christ himself. If we train our children to follow us as we follow Christ, all other rocks will fall in their proper places. Ironically though, this aspect of discipleship is where many pastors get right with other people’s children but their own.